People feel good about themselves and proud of their contributions when they get positive feedback. It can help them feel capable, motivated and valued. It can also boost the person’s confidence and help them develop a meaningful bond with others. Expressing respect and appreciation is important to maintaining positive relationships.
If we feel appreciated we’re more likely to give positive feedback in return. We can develop this kind of supportive communication skill with practice. Below are examples of how respect and appreciation can be communicated effectively, including less effective approaches to highlight the differences.
Situation:
You were held up by traffic and arrived late for a lunch date with a friend. They ordered their meal before you got there.
Less effective communication
You sit down and launch into conversation without addressing your lateness.
More effective communication
When you’re seated, apologize to your friend for being late and for wasting their precious time. Tell them you were held up and it’s not a reflection on how much you enjoy spending time with them. You may also want to briefly explain why you were late.
For example, “I’m sorry I was late. I was caught up in traffic. Next time, I’ll give myself more time and I’ll order something that will come quickly.”
Situation:
You’re sharing ideas with your mother about a costume for your teenager’s Halloween dance at school. She makes a suggestion you know your daughter will love.
Less effective communication
When your daughter gets home from school you share the idea, along with some of your own, without acknowledging your mother’s contribution.
More effective communication
Give credit to the individual who earned it, even if it’s only indirectly related to, or a small part of, the overall idea. This type of appreciation can lead to respect for you in the long run because it shows you value input from others.
For example, “Your grandma thought you might like to dress as ___ for your dance. I thought it was a good idea because ___. What do you think?”
Situation:
You’re co-ordinating a day trip with friends and some have emailed their ideas.
Less effective communication
You don’t respond.
More effective communication
Reply to each person with a quick “thank you” email. No matter how brief, this shows you appreciate their time. Briefly explain why it won’t work, if applicable.
For example, “I was able to get that reservation at _______ we talked about. This means we won’t have time to add another stop.” This shows you care about their contribution.
Situation:
You need to discuss an issue with a co-worker.
Less effective communication
You launch into a conversation as soon as you see them in the hallway.
More effective communication
Show you value their time by checking to see if they’re free to chat.
Here are a few examples:
“Do you have a minute? I want to talk to you about ___.”
“Hi. Is this a good time to talk about __?”
“Would you mind staying behind a bit after the meeting? I want to check in with you about ___.”
“Do you have any time right now? I want to hear your thoughts about ___.”
Situation:
Your partner cleaned out a closet you’ve been meaning to get to for months.
Less effective communication
Since some of their things are in the closet, you felt a simple “thanks” was enough.
More effective communication
Your partner also has an active schedule. By acknowledging this fact, you’ll communicate genuine appreciation for the help.
For example, “I really appreciate you doing this. I know you’re super busy. Thanks so much.”
Situation:
You’re helping your child finish a school project. You notice they didn’t complete the initial work you talked about and agreed upon.
Less effective communication
You indicate to them x, y and z are missing and they should add those before asking for your help because this was the agreement.
More effective communication
There may be several reasons why people don’t do things as previously agreed upon. You’re aware of this and give your child the benefit of the doubt. You bring it up with sensitivity and give them a chance to explain.
For example, “You’ve made a good start. I noticed, though, that x, y and z aren’t done yet. Have you decided to do something different?”